Wounded By Christians

Helping People Traumatized by Spiritual Abuse

In over thirty-seven years of ministry, Lori and I have worked with men, women, and children who have suffered at the hands of clergy, faith leaders, or family members who used the sacred texts and/or their congregations to abuse them. These leaders and individuals not only commit a horrible sin against Jesus, but they have also exploited his followers and coerced them for their own gratification. Leading and serving these survivors has been difficult, mainly because they have been so deeply wounded that it is painful to walk with them in their healing. Hearing the stories of their abuse can be emotionally draining and elicit anger and despair within our hearts

Wounded by “Healing Hands”

In working with Intimate Partner Violence (IPV) and Sexual Assault (SA) survivors we acknowledge that faith or spirituality can be a component in any form of abuse.

Abuse is defined as a pattern of coercive behavior used by an individual or group to enforce compliance and engender fear. Tactics of this coercive behavior can include physical, emotional, verbal, financial, sexual, and spiritual methods to control and subordinate others.¹ This definition has key phrases that help us understand the dynamics behind various forms of abuse. 

• Pattern of Behavior = The individual uses multiple actions as a pattern to coerce and control others. The pattern can also cause the abuse to escalate over time.

• Coercion = Persuasion involves presenting people with information and encouraging them to make a rational choice. Coercion is manipulation, bullying, intimidation, and using threats seeking to force the individual(s) to choose what the abuser wants.

• Enforcing Compliance = is The abusive person seeks to force others to choose and/or submit to what they desire. 

• Engender Fear = The victims and survivors in these relationships do not operate out of love, trust, or loyalty. They serve because they are afraid of the abuser.

Spiritual Abuse can be a tactic used by abusive individuals to control or coerce others into sex, submission, or shielding them from being accountable for their actions. A husband may use sacred texts to force his wife into having sex, serving him, and/or continually putting his needs above hers. A faith leader may justify their sexual immorality or use of pornography and require others to forgive them, because “Jesus commands it,” or “no one is perfect”. They may use their position of power to keep people “in line” or rally a congregation to be hostile towards the victims or those making accusations. Those who have supported victims of pedophile priests have shared with me that, in court, most of the congregation surrounds the priest, while the victim and their families sit alone. Spiritual Abuse can exist when a culture/congregation reinforces submission to an authority figure, spouse, parent, or leader. 

Spiritual Abuse, like other forms of abuse, involves a pattern of behavior, a repeated action, that seeks to subordinate others. People sin, make mistakes, act out of anger, yell, or verbally attack someone (and this is unacceptable), but this is not the same as a repeated pattern of behavior used to enforce compliance.² In this form of abuse, an individual uses their spiritual authority and position of power, control, and manipulation to get the results that they desire and continually hurt others. They coerce others into submission or supporting them not because they love or care for others, but because their goal is to exploit, manipulate, and use people for their selfish desires. When spirituality is used in this way, it is unique compared to any other type of abuse. As Kruger wrote:

It does matter that the abuse happened in a spiritual context. To leave that factor out is to miss the whole point. If a person is abused emotionally by their boss at work, that is materially different from being abused by their pastor. And I think it’s appropriate to use terminology that captures that difference.³

Jesus illustrates this issue through the story of the “Good Shepherd” in John 10:1-18. In this story, he models healthy leadership as he sacrifices himself for the sheep, protects them from the wolves, and provides intimacy and safety for them. He also contrasts his style with the “hireling,” a leader who leads out of their own self-interest, does not care for the sheep, and abandons them in the presence of predators or turning a blind eye to the danger. Even more, Jesus reminds the reader that sheep are not fooled…they know a true leader and will follow them without fear or anxiety. The shepherd metaphor is often used throughout the Bible and contrasted with God’s style of leadership (Is. 49:8-13; Jer 50:6-8; Ezek. 34; Zech. 11:4-17). The prophets confronted the current leadership for bullying, neglecting, and abusing the sheep. God will shepherd the sheep instead of these leaders because they need safety, support, and a caring leader. The promise is that the sheep will thrive and feel safe. A good leader creates a safe environment for healthy, happy, and calm sheep.⁴

“The one who has compassion on them will guide/lead them…” Isaiah 49:10⁵

What is Spiritual Abuse?

Since all humans are created in the image of God, spirituality is part of our core being. All of us have a creator who has placed the seeds of an intimate, spiritual relationship within us. It is the responsibility of communities to nurture and develop the spirituality within humans so that we might grow and mature to reflect our Lord. Just as Yahweh said, “Let us create humans in our image…” (Genesis 1:26), so the divine nature of God exists and grows in community. We begin life trusting our caregivers, community, congregations, and friends. The support that these communities provide each of us, should nurture us to become mature adults who reflect God’s image to others.

When individuals or a community damage, destroy, or injure the Imago Dei within each of us, it is a sin. When this becomes a pattern, it is “abusive behavior.” This occurs when:

• Faith leaders continually devalue humans based on race, gender, social status, physical appearance, etc.

• People use sacred texts (which are designed to promote peace, love, compassion, and mercy) to coerce, manipulate, suppress, punish, or neglect the needs or values of others.

• Spiritual communities use shame to force others to align with them.

• Spiritual leaders tell members that their church is the only place where they can receive salvation.

• Faith leaders use their authority to force members to follow them.

• The males who were victims of pedophile priests watch on Sunday worship while the hands that defiled them, purify the sacraments for others.

• Females who have been sexually coerced by ministers or attend a church where the minister viewed pornography wonder if he is undressing them with their eyes as he stands and preaches each Sunday morning.

• Faith leaders refuse transparency, authenticity, and accountability, or choose to hide their sins or the sins of others, putting their congregations at risk.

• Members mistreat their leaders because they are “servant leaders” and treat them like “slaves.”

How Does This Affect Others?

Individuals who are victims or survivors of spiritual abuse carry wounds similar to those suffering physical, sexual, verbal, or emotional abuse. First, survivors feel a lack of trust in leadership. Since leaders wounded them, and they feel devalued, their response has been to distrust authority. As a younger minister moving from the Midwest to Portland, OR, I found that my reception in community agencies was much colder than it had been in Missouri. When people began to trust Lori and me, they shared horrible stories of what clergy and other leaders had done to them. We typically agreed with them and promised to be different. They needed time to see that we were safe people. I realize that our world is filled with many, many men and women who have been hurt by corrupt leaders. We must do better. 

Second, survivors may feel unsafe in spiritual communities. Those who have been hurt by leaders or a faith community may feel uncomfortable in a congregational gathering or church building. We found that small groups were wonderful and safe places to connect with those who had been hurt. Being in a home and sharing a meal often provides a sense of peace to those who have survived spiritual abuse.

Third, some survivors struggle with self-love and personal boundaries. They continue to live with and relive their trauma. As Shelly Rambo wrote, “Trauma is what does not go away. It persists in symptoms that live on in the body, in the intrusive fragments of memories that return. It persists in symptoms that live on in communities, in the layers of past violence that constitute present ways of relating.”⁶ We would have individuals attend our church who would carry tremendous amounts of shame on their faces. As they returned, we would help them “set boundaries” with safe touch or encouraging them to say “no” or “not at this time.” We let them know that they were welcome any time and without any obligation to return. Sometimes survivors feel they must give to be accepted, especially those whose support, love, and care were exploited and misused. It is important to let them know that they are welcome to come and stay as long as they wished. We taught our people to give others space and remember that we all need to express love and support, sometimes without expecting anything from our guests. As time passed men and women felt safe and understood that they were worth being loved and loving others.

Finally, survivors often believe that God is angry with them, ashamed of them, or does not love them. While they may experience acceptance in a community, they wonder when the community will turn on them. They also struggle to accept that God has a deep love for them as well. The community can reflect God’s love through caring people, but those who have had Biblical texts used to shame them, see God in a different light. This means that our message must focus on a God who loves and seeks relationship with others, through the incarnation and crucifixion of Jesus. People need to hear that they are valued, and the church must uphold these sacred texts that shine light on God’s mercy, love, and compassion, especially in a dark and depressing world. Time, patience, and walking with men, women, and children through these passages allows them to rediscover the God of hope, love, faithfulness, mercy, and peace.

How Should We Help? We Must Provide Safe and Sacred Spaces

Respecting boundaries is key in helping survivors. Every human has a personal space, and we should all respect this. We never knew who would come through our church doors, but we knew how we should treat them. Christians often try to hug, kiss, embrace, or offer long hugs to those who are not ready for them. I have watched leaders (typically male) do “creepy” things in the name of simply “being friendly.” Many survivors were required or coerced into giving access to their bodies based on the desires of another person. This is a sin, and it is traumatizing to others. We must respect the personal space of others and teach our churches to do the same. Survivors need control over who has access to their personal space, and this should begin in a sacred place such as the church.

Second, validate survivors. While the stories I often hear seem unbelievable, almost all have been true. Survivors are often told that they misread, misunderstood, or misjudged what happened to them. Abusive individuals rarely confess their sins, and typically try to “put a spin” on the events, reinterpret what happened through their eyes, or dismiss what the victim or others experience.⁷ Sometimes they expect someone else to “interpret for them,” providing a different explanation and further pressuring the victim to see things as the abuser does. Our belief is that people know what they experience. As Jesus stated, “the sheep do not recognize a stranger’s voice,” (John 10:5), therefore we must encourage people to have their voice heard. We ask them what they think, and we listen, we support, we let them know that we believe them, and we welcome them into our community. We also validate survivors by offering them a vocabulary. Trauma survivors do not know how to define what happened to them. We are there to help. We provide a vocabulary for them:

• We call that abuse…

• We call that sexual assault because you were coerced…

• We believe that you experienced spiritual abuse…

• We acknowledge that this was traumatic, and we believe you…

• The Holy Spirit brings peace, did you feel peace?

Providing a vocabulary helps survivors understand their pain, realize that they are not to blame, and help them see a path forward. It also helps them acknowledge that what happened was not their fault and that the blame rests on the abusive individual’s actions. In addition to this, it helps survivors understand that a safe community confronts abusive behaviors. 

Third, Safe and Sacred Spaces are Shalom. The Kingdom of God is a place where righteousness, justice, and love are practiced (Rom 14:16). People are safe, treated with respect, and are welcome. In shalom love, trust, and authenticity exist. People sense tension, shame, and a lack of peace. The Holy Spirit brings this to a community when there is Shalom. When people would say, “I feel safe here,” or “I feel welcome,” or “I feel the Spirit here,” that is important to a good spiritual leader. We have visited places where we felt tension, anger, neglected, and unwelcome. A safe place for survivors is one where they return because they feel safe.

Safe and Sacred Spaces also require courage. We planted a church in Portland that met in a public school. We had a diverse group of people attending on Sundays, and sometimes I had to confront those who threatened our safety. Usually, it was males who had been inappropriate towards females or had become abusive in their language. While this was difficult, I would state, 

“This is a safe place. You have an obligation to help us provide a safe space, but that is not what is happening. You will need to leave, and I will meet with you to discuss how we can have you return and help us maintain a safe community.”  

Over the years one or two agreed to work with us and we never had a problem again. Most of the males yelled at me, threatened me, and stormed away. They would not let me follow up with them and meet to talk about reentering our community as a safe person. In every instance, our people (most of whom have been hurt by others) stated that:

• They felt safe,

• They felt supported,

• This would be their community,

• They felt God was present.

Shepherds do not play with wolves; they protect the sheep. The sheep will not feel safe if predators are allowed to move freely among them. Spiritual abuse survivors need to feel safe, and this requires leadership with courage, a “no tolerance for abusive behavior,” and a willingness to stand and protect people. I am ashamed to admit that I know leaders who will confront “doctrinal error,” but do not see abusive behavior as “error,” and expect others to tolerate it. 

Additionally, leaders must be willing to confront the potential abuser within themselves. As Paul warned the leaders in Ephesus (Acts 20:30) that wolves would rise among them, we must be aware of our own potential to be abusive, controlling, and coerce others to do things our way. Leaders must hold each other accountable, listen to their spouses and family, and welcome feedback so that we might be shepherds who want the best for others, not ourselves. 

Finally, survivors need to become reacquainted with God. I am surprised at what people have been taught from the pulpit, in a class, and in a small group. Often, individuals hear that the God of the Hebrew Bible is an angry ogre. Yet throughout the Hebrew Bible Yahweh is described as merciful, compassionate, loving, and patient (Exod. 34:6-7; Num. 14:17; Deut. 4:31; Jer. 32:18; Ezek. 18; Hos. 11:4; Nah. 1:7; Psalm 51:3, 103:8; 145:8; Neh. 9:17). Even Jonah complained that God was too forgiving as he stated, “…I knew you are a gracious and compassionate God, slow to anger and abounding in love…” (Jonah 4:2). When David was confronted for his affair and murder of a soldier he turned to Yahweh and prayed, “Have mercy on me O God, according to your unfailing love and great compassion…” (Psalm 51:2). The picture the Hebrew Bible paints of God is one of love, mercy, and compassion.

Jesus lived out God’s nature among humans. He confronted those who spiritually abused people and protected survivors, victims, and those needing love and support. I am thankful for Mission Alive and their continued dedication to planting churches and preparing leaders to engage people who are hurting and needing support. Over the years they have been open to the hard discussions that churches need to address while maintaining a commitment to equipping leaders to lead in our world. They have also been supportive of our ministries that struggle to call leaders to compassion and mercy in our communities. They have shown us a good model to help others reengage the God who weeps at the spiritual abuse in our world while rejoicing at the men and women of courage who serve those crying out for help.

Conclusion

After listening to various podcasts and watching the many docuseries concerning abusive churches, religious cults, and predatory leaders, I wonder how people who have survived these traumatic experiences can ever trust faith leaders or communities. When we ask, those God sends to us, these questions I find that I admire their courage, resilience, and grit. They have much to offer our congregations, and if we open our lives to them…we will see the power of the Holy Spirit in their lives as well as our own. They will help us be better leaders, and will one day lead from their courage, resilience, and grit.

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Ron Clark, D.Min (Harding School of Theology) is Co-Director of Agape Community Ministries and teaches at George Fox University. He has served on various Domestic and Sexual Violence task forces in Portland and is a consultant on domestic violence, human trafficking, and sexual assault. He has authored several books, including Freeing the Oppressed: A Call to Christians Concerning Domestic Abuse and Am I Sleeping With the Enemy?: Males and Females in the Image of God. Ron and his wife Lori have been married 36 years and have 3 sons. He has been in ministry since 1986, planted the Agape Church of Christ with his wife Lori in downtown Portland, and formerly served as Executive Director for Kairos Church Planting.

1. Ron Clark, Setting the Captives Free: A Christian Theology for Domestic Violence (Eugene: Cascade, 2005), 5; David Livingston, Healing Violent Men: A Model for Christian Communities (Minneapolis: Fortress, 2002), 11. 

2. Michael J. Kruger, Bully Pulpit: Confronting the Problem of Spiritual Abuse in the Church (Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 2022), Kindle version, location 658. 

3. Ibid, location 606.

4. Ron Clark, Emerging Elders: Developing Shepherds in God’s Image (Abilene: Leafwood, 2008), 66-68. Notice, that in Eph. 4:11-16 Paul indicates that the role of leadership is to help the congregation grow, develop, and practice love. 

5. In the Hebrew and Greek texts compassion (rchm, known as “womb love”) and guide or lead (nhg) suggest that an effective leader/shepherd is one who uses compassion. The Greek version uses the words mercy and encouragement to illustrate this leader. God’s model of leadership is not abusive, but compassionate.

6. Shelly Rambo, Spirit and Trauma: A Theology of Remaining (Louisville: Westminster John Knox, 2010), 2.

7. Patricia Evans, The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How To Recognize It and How to Respond (Avon, MA: Adams, 2010), 39-40.