Re-Imagining Church

The Necessity of Self-Differentiation

Re-imagining church in any form is challenging, requiring tenacity, courage, and faith. A faith community dependent on missional existence is emotionally intense and relationally complex. Church planting is demanding work with a failure rate ranging from 30-80% after four years. Survival increases, however, with realistic expectations, engaging the community beyond a Sunday event, financial stewardship, cultivating leaders, ongoing coaching, resilience, and adaptability. This is why self-differentiation is a necessity. But what is it? Why does it matter? What does it look like?

Consider Jesus

We do not know his name. Luke says it is “someone in the crowd” having a dispute with his brother about inheritance. He told Jesus, “Teacher, tell my brother to divide the inheritance with me” (Lk 12:13).¹ Jesus refuses, “Friend, who made me a judge or an arbitrator between you?" (Lk 12:14). He then warns against greed and the dangers of accumulating possessions, emphasizing that true wealth lies in being rich toward God. The “someone” saw Jesus as an authority and wanted him to settle the dispute. He was trying to pull Jesus into the dispute triangle. When Jesus responds with the question, “Who appointed me a judge or an arbiter over you?” his refusal and warning are a prime example of self-differentiation. The idea of self-differentiation is a modern term whose origin is from family systems theory, specifically, the father of family systems Murray Bowen, and Rabbi Edwin Friedman’s Generation to Generation² and his more popular work: A Failure of Nerve.³ The essence of self-differentiation is the ability to remain steady and present in the face of others' emotional reactivity. At the risk of oversimplifying, Jesus shows the essence of self-differentiation.

• He knew who he was.

• His beliefs and values remained steady.

• He avoided a relationship triangle.

• He declared a position/stand.

• He stayed as connected as possible.

What about you?

Can you maintain your beliefs, values, and identity while remaining connected to others? Sounds easy enough, right? Not really. Under stress and in disagreement, many people cave in to groupthink and conflict avoidance. Being self-differentiated is not inborn. We are, by nature communal creatures shaped by our own family of origin and circumstances in a variety of ways.

The basic building blocks of a “self” are inborn, but an individual’s family relationship during childhood and adolescence primarily determine how much “self” he developed. Once established, the level of “self” rarely changes unless a person makes a structured, long-term effort to change it.⁴

For church planters, this means being able to lead and make decisions based on their own convictions, even in the face of opposition or differing opinions, while still fostering a sense of community and collaboration.

What is involved in self-differentiation?

Intentional self-discipline is essential to self-differentiation. Specifics include:

1. Self-Awareness: Know your strengths, weaknesses, and tendencies, particularly when under stress and in conflict situations.

2. Emotional Maturity: Regulate your emotions and reactions to others. Paul’s ethical instructions include emotional growth (See Eph 4:25-32; Gal 5:19-26; Col 3:12-17).

3. Boundaries: Resist the temptation to solve every problem, rescue people and intentionally access the gifts of others. This includes setting boundaries by refusing triangulation. The triangulated person will exert more energy than those who have the problem. To point the parties back to each other with, “I look forward to hearing what he says when you talk to him,” is a form of peacemaking and consistent with Jesus’ teachings in Matt 18:15-17. It moves them toward responsibility and maturity.

4. Non-Anxious Presence: Anxiety is contagious. It is human to be anxious, but staying calm under pressure, regardless of how you are feeling, is core to self-differentiation. Think of a non-anxious presence as an immune system. It is the most non-anxious person who has the most influence in a system over time. This does not mean uncaring or disengaged, but instead staying the course. It is often counterintuitive and uncomfortable, but indispensable to influencing health in the system.

5. Take a Position, Stay Calm and Connected: Clearly stating your position is key, as it allows others to understand where you stand without emotional intensity. When someone disagrees, affirm them respectfully and stay connected. One of the best resources for leading through conflict is this how-to book Moving Your Church through Conflict.⁵ It is an older work, but it remains very relevant.

Leadership, Self-Differentiation, and Sabotage

Reimagining church requires leadership. There is always a price to pay. It is helpful to consider what price you are willing to pay, in terms of time, emotion, physical, family, friends, etc. This is simply one of many questions that Peter Block asks to move a group forward. The questions he asks are always ambiguous, personal, and anxiety-provoking.⁶ You can know for certain that conflict is a reality. Do your best to navigate conflict with grace. “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone” (Rom 12:18). But know for certain that at some point you will experience sabotage. It is not a matter of if but when. Maybe it is from a good friend, a family member, or someone who shared the vision but cannot stay the course. It is not only disappointing and painful but exhausting at your very core. This is why self-differentiation is an absolute necessity. Joe Rigney’s work, Leadership and Emotional Sabotage is helpful as he applies it to church leadership, marriage and family. He shares that we can “resist the lure of people-pleasing and man fearing.”⁷

I don’t fail, I learn!

There is no learning without reflection. Increasing your capacity for self-differentiation means practicing a few things at a time in the trenches of ministry. As you learn the skills, you will make mistakes. It is essential to give yourself some grace by adopting the posture, “I don’t fail, I learn.” Get coaching for leadership and personal growth. You can do this! You can be self-differentiated. Jesus is your model.

“Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer” (Rom 12:12).

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Grady King, D.M serves as President of HOPE Network (HN).  His ministry life spans fifty years, with forty years in congregational ministry in Churches of Christ in Oklahoma and Texas. Along with Hope Network, he served six years as director of church resources at Oklahoma Christian. Grady received his Doctor of Ministry and Master of Science from Abilene Christian University and a Bachelor of Science from Oklahoma Christian University. His ministry passion is healthy leaders, healthy churches rooted in the gospel and missional life. He and his wife, Karen live in Irving, TX, and are members of the Mansfield Church of Christ. They have two grown children and three grandchildren:  Josh, Carolyn, and Madeline King; Chad, Christin, Sawyer, and Hudson Paradowski. He enjoys reading, writing, sports, playing with grandchildren, and anything helpful for church leaders.

1. All scripture quotations are from The Holy Bible, New International Version, NIV. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide.

2. Edwin H. Friedman, Generation to Generation: Family Process in Church and Synagogue, New York: The Guilford Press, 1985, available at: https://www.amazon.com/Generation-Process-Synagogue-Guilford-Therapy/dp/1609182367.

3. Edwin H. Friedman, A Failure of Nerve: Leadership in the Age of the Quick Fix, eds. Margaret M. Treadwell and Edward W. Beal, New York: Seabury Press, 1990, 2007, available at: https://www.amazon.com/Failure-Nerve-Leadership-Age-Quick/dp/159627042X.

4. “Differentiation of Self,” The Bowen Center for the Study of Family, available at: https://www.thebowencenter.org/differentiation-of-self (last accessed Tuesday, May 27, 2025).

5. Speed B. Leas, Moving Your Church through Conflict, Lanham, MD: Rowman & Littleflied Publishers, 1985, available at: https://www.amazon.com/Moving-Your-Church-through-Conflict-ebook/dp/B019K9D0H6.

6. Peter Block, The Answer to How is Yes: Acting On What Matters, San Francisco: Berrett-Koehler Publishers, 2003, available at: https://www.amazon.com/Answer-How-Yes-Acting-Matters/dp/1576752712.

7. Joe Rigney, Leadership and Emotional Sabotage: Resisting the Anxiety That Will Wreck Your Family, Destroy Your Church, and Ruin the World, Moscow, ID: Canon Press, 2024, available at: https://www.amazon.com/Leadership-Emotional-Sabotage-Resisting-Anxiety/dp/1591280400.